My Opinion about the Furor over the Death of Jack Layton.

Shame on you Canadians for jumping all over Christie Blatchford for her recent column about the semi-hysterical attitude that has become the public's reaction to Jack Layton's death. I am speaking as an average Canadian who did not vote for the NDPs in the last election. Maybe..... to be so consumed with public grief...I would need to have been one of his supporters.
Christie...Thank you very much for voicing in a thoughtful and balanced voice....the distaste that you felt and I am feeling over the crocodile tears expressed by many members of this nation. We didn't all vote for him....so why is the grief so out of proportion? Why are people grieving as they would for a close friend or family member? Likely... because he sat in many of our living rooms as he debated and courted us through the last election....I watched him.
Not all of us feel more than a fleeting sorrow over the death of a man who seemed very vital....in his personal and professional life....he was driven. My perspective on this whole affair has not been to lament loudly and publically but to speak quietly with my daughter and husband about feeling regret for another family who has to pick up the pieces of their life and rearrange and puzzle out a new "normal' for themselves. This is hard. I know this because we lost our child almost 5 years ago and are still seeking peace..
There is no question that Jack Layton captured and fired up his supporters with his vim and vigor and yes...his ambition to put the National Democratic Party as near to the top of Canadian Politics as he could. He accomplished what no other NDP leader had ever done. Against all odds...he made the NDP the official Opposition. That earns my admiration and incredulity but I personally did not know him. I believe that many Canadians were still swept up in his enthusiasm and vitality from the election and now they are so very shocked that this seemingly hale and hearty man should be struck down so quickly. It happens in the best of families.
None of us want to think that we could deteriorate so fast and die. I was frankly shocked at his appearance in late July and his frailty but if I had thought about it ...more than in passing...I was probably sure that he would defeat the cancer as he did before. That was just one short month ago.
I do believe though Ms. Blatchford ...that your timing sucked. If you had waited a week or two or a month or more....the reception to your viewpoint might not have been so harsh. No... I don't believe that either. When anyone dies....nobody wants to ever say anything bad or critical of them...even if it is the truth. It almost feels like tempting fate....like bad luck.
I also do not buy into everything that John Moore says here.

3rd Attempt at Lead Implantation to Bionic Woman

Just a catch up notice....November 4th, 2010....my ICD fired with no warning. Feeling like I was kicked in the chest...my first thought.....I was electrocuted??? How? Why? Then it hit me....no....it was the defibrillator! In total shock...instead of calling 911...I attempted to reach my husband by phone at work and it took them over 15 minutes to find him hiding away in a front office.
He came rushing home and got there about 30 minutes later....so far so good....I was sitting in a chair...frightened to move. We decided to make our way to Joseph Brant hospital...a block away...and he helped me get dressed as I was too scared to do it on my own. Walking gingerly down the hall after I was dressed....the unit fired again. I screamed.
Without another incident we arrived at the emergency department at the hospital and checked in. They took me in very quickly and after taking all my vitals...hooked me up to a heart monitor as well. There wasn't anybody at the hospital familiar with ICDs so they put in a call to the defibrillator clinic at Toronto General.
Long story short...the unit fired again while I was there but not hooked up to the monitor....(in the bathroom) The on-call guy from St. Jude's....came...deactivated my defibrillator...determined that the ventricle lead had pulled out and was recording my T-wave as another heart beat??? At least the defibrillator was working properly!..Small consolation....but after 5 days in hospital I returned home after 2nd lead implantation and another 6 weeks off work and to keep my arm from any great exertion.
Everything is fine at 8 week checkup and a new appointment is made for July 5th (btw...Madeleine's birthday)
Fast forward 6 months and we arrive at the defibrillator clinic at Toronto General and hear the news that they are unable to detect the ICD properly and both wires have pulled out and the insulation has been damaged too.
Guess what>>>>they have to reimplant 2 new leads!
As I am sure that you can imagine....I am ecstatic to hear this... and the surgery is set for August 29th, 2011.
This feels like a roller coaster but as of my last checkup...we are still wired to go.

Comfort: A Journey Through Grief by Ann Hood

Ann's Words


"Slowly, slowly, I began to tell my own story of loss and grief and hope. You know how that first day at the beach when the ocean water is still so cold, you dip your toes in, then run out? Next try, you get up to your ankles before you run? Then up to your calves, your thighs, until finally you are waist deep and you can dive in head first? That is how I wrote COMFORT. I wrote a little, then retreated. A little more, a little more, until I was able to dive in. "

"I did not know what to do with her Christmas stocking, the one with the angel on it and her name sewn in my crooked attempt to use a needle and thread. I did not know how to celebrate a New Year without her. And on the first anniversary of her death...."
"...My Body cannot move. I am paralysed."
... " I used to wake in a panic that I had forgotten even one detail about her, or that I would forget someday."

My Thoughts

These words above that I have quoted from Ann Hood's book or her website...I have felt them all too ever since my baby died.
I must give proper thanks to Steve Colca of W.W. Norton & Company, Inc....who offered to send me this book after I added him on Twitter. He very sweetly asked me first if this would be a welcome gesture and after I assured him that it was he sent me this book and The Knitting Circle.
Most of my blogging buddies on here know that I myself have been on a grief journey. My son Nicholas (15) died just over 2 years ago on October 30th, 2006. Ever since that day...my heart has stopped beating. Ann's book took me down that road again...she took me back to the anguish and fear and shock that I felt that day. Her book broke my heart again but it also felt cathartic to cry as I relived my own last moments with Nick.
She manages to describe almost exactly the way that I felt about losing my Nicky when she speaks about losing her Grace.
She describes in minute detail all the platitudes that people say to you as a newly bereaved mother. "She/he has gone to a better place." (Are you kidding me?)
"God must have wanted them" (Not as much as I did!)
"I understand what you must be feeling." (Unless you have lost a child lady...no you don't!) and she also speaks about the weirdness that people feel around you. I myself have experienced people ducking behind stores, displays and bushes just to avoid speaking with me. Do they really think that we don't notice?
I have also felt people's impatience with me when I can't get out of bed sometimes to go into work because I am having a really bad day about missing him and I don't want to go on anymore. They are also impatient with me because they are tired of 'being reminded of my tragedy!" I work with a woman like that.
I am never sure how to deal with people like that but as my husband reminds me...that is their problem not mine. I have enough on my plate already.
Thank you Ann Hood for writing this book about your loss. I know that you wrote it just for me...didn't you? It feels like it anyway!

Tamara

Choosing to Be by Kat Tansey

Product Description
Choosing to Be centers around a Buddha-wise Maine Coon cat named Poohbear Degoonacoon, his kitten muse Catzenbear, and author Kat Tansey as they take us on a journey from the depths of depression to the true freedom of Buddha mind. Tansey has written a magical fable filled with practical information and instruction on Buddhist meditation and how to conquer its five hindrances -- clinging, anger, restlessness, sleepiness, and doubt. This book is a must read for anyone seeking respite from their ordinary mind.


My Thoughts

This was a delightful read. Kat Tansey takes us on a magical journey with her zen master cat Poohbear Decoonacoon. Poohbear and his young cohort Catzenbear are Maine Coon cats.
Written as an anthropomorphic dialogue between the author Kat Tansey and her superior being, Poohbear the Maine Coon cat, the issues and dictates of Buddhism are explored, discussed and practised. Kat was recovering from a long bout of chronic fatigue syndrome and was bogged down in depression...but learning to meditate successfully has helped her come out of her depression and recover her life.
Each chapter starts with a zen quotation and a picture of one of the cats depicting the individual philosophy. You can just feel the wisdom emanating from them.
I absolutely believe that all felines have this innate link to zen fulfillment and they practise mediation everyday. We could learn many lessons from just being around them...I have 4 cats and they bring me so much.

Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz written by vintage griffin

Saw this over at Enroute to Life and thought it looked like fun.

Take the Quiz here:

Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz

I am an Ingrid

I am an Ingrid!

You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
• * Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
• * Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
• * Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
• * Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid

• * my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
• * my ability to establish warm connections with people
• * admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
• * my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
• * being unique and being seen as unique by others
• * having aesthetic sensibilities
• * being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid

• * experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
• * feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
• * feeling guilty when I disappoint people
• * feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
• * expecting too much from myself and life
• * fearing being abandoned
• * obsessing over resentments
• * longing for what I don't have

Ingrids as Children Often

• * have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
• * are very sensitive
• * feel that they don't fit in
• * believe they are missing something that other people have
• * attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
• * become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
• * feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Ingrids as Parents

• * help their children become who they really are
• * support their children's creativity and originality
• * are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
• * are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
• * are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Snapshot Saturday

Idea borrowed from the blog Write for a Reader.
My two favourite people on a recent summer vacation to PEI. My husband Paul and my daughter Madeleine.
The loves of my life! They keep me grounded and provide endless hours of amusement!
They were flying a kite and communing with each other.

Forgive the camera phone pic.

Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy

Ok....I realise that I am going to unload again so folks ....prepare.
Tomorrow I get the fun job of heading 2 hours away into Toronto (rush hour) for an 8:45am appointment at the Peter Munk Cardiac Centre at Toronto General Hospital. I am scheduled for my semi annual cardio tests and consultation.
I guess that I never explained before...my baby Nick didn't just look like me...he inherited a lot of my genetic makeup which includes a genetic heart defect called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. HCM in other words. This is what killed him and I gave it to him.
Apparently we got it from my mom and she gave it to my brother and his son as well.
Nick is the only one in our family to die from it. We had no idea about this ticking time bomb until his first symptom...his sudden death.
My son Nick was climbing the stairs from his first period class in the basement to the third floor for his grade 10 English class. He walked into the room said hello to a bunch of friends and fell over unconscious. He quickly stopped breathing and although they immediately initiated CPR and this continued through the arrival of paramedics and the transport to the hospital...he never regained consciousness and was pronounced dead at the hospital.
The worst day of my life...and I gave it to him.

Now....I know that it wasn't my fault as in blame but the inner part of me does feel at fault and having to go and get my heart checked again (to see if the hypertrophy has increased) just brings it all to the forefront of my mind. (as if it ever leaves.)

I get to have an echo cardiogram. an ECG and the results from that delightful MRI.
Oh and guess what....I also get told to lose weight! Hold me back...I just can't wait!!!

Funnily enough...whining about it today has made me feel better.

What kind of fun things are in your future????

Writer's Block

Ok....I am stuck here. I have lost my writing voice. I deliberately gave myself some healing and grieving time over the holidays and read my little head off. I currently owe myself reviews on at least 10 books but for some reason...I can't think what to say.
That is very unlike me! LOL
If anyone has any ideas about how to break this deadlock then PLEASE send them my way!!
Kiss Kiss Hug Hug
I decided tonight that I won't feel guilty about this but I will try and take each book and just start writing. When I come up with something worthy of an audience then I will post.
Thank you for all the lovely comments on my new pic.
Here is the companion to it.

Made Up pattern for Hat

Keeping my hands busy by knitting a hat that I made up the pattern for. Kind of cute I think but I love the flower!

The Makedown by Gitty Daneshvari

Product Description
Anna Norton used to be fat. Correction: Anna Norton used to be a fat, nerdy, overeater with low self esteem. When she moves from suburban Ohio to Manhattan at age 23, her life does a total 180. With guidance from her boss, an unlikely Fairy Godmother in the form of a chic caterer and excellent cook, Anna loses all the weight and--though still not quite Kate Moss--finally drops her inferiority complex, brushes the crumbs off her skirt, and enters the world of feeling good, looking good, and...finally having sex.

When Anna meets Ben, the man of her dreams (and of every other person's dreams who isn't blind) she almost can't believe she is dating the Ken Doll. Deep down, she is still the chubby nerd who wrote in a diary called Hello Fatty. But not everything is perfect; her hot boyfriend is a huge flirt, and every leggy blond who crosses his path is a threat to Anna. She just can't escape the feeling that Ben is way out of her league and that everyone thinks she is dating up and he's dating down. It gets so bad, she decides she will do anything to make these women go away.

My Thoughts

I really enjoyed this book. Not sure if it had anything to do with being an overweight ie. fatty... nerd myself throughout my formative years and being teased and bullied but this book felt like retribution on my behalf! What made this book so eminently readable for me was how real Anna and her family were. I could absolutely picture them together and all the family conversations...in jokes and embarrassing family-speak with each other. What was also classic was remembering yet again that no matter how old we become we never stop being somebody's baby...their child.
I could also picture how insecure Anna would be about dating such a "god" as Ben after being the aforementioned fat-girl but I followed every step of the 'Makedown' with horror and felt this way through to it's inevitable conclusion. Despite her incredible metamorphosis into a girl in control of her life...Anna needed to grow into believing in herself and though the story turned her life into a 'train-wreck'...she came out this experience stronger yet more resilient.
Good read!
I give this a 4 out of 5 stars.

Merry Christmas to all!!!

Picture of happier times....1994
A lovely memory!

Wishing you all a loving and wonderful holiday!

Tam

What Type is Your Blog

Saw this over at J. Kayes Book Blog Here

www.typealyzer.com

I analysed and this is what my blog is:

ESFP - The Performers

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.



Take the test.....the result amazed me!



Tamara

Found: 1 Video of My Son's Grade 9 English Project

My Son Nick Baff

Video displayed in the Sidebar------------------------->

Forever Lily by Beth Nonte Russell

Description

"Will you take her?" she asks.

When Beth Nonte Russell travels to China to help her friend Alex adopt a baby girl from an orphanage there, she thinks it will be an adventure, a chance to see the world. But her friend, who had prepared for the adoption for many months, panics soon after being presented with the frail baby, and the situation develops into one of the greatest challenges of Russell's life.

Russell, watching in disbelief as Alex distances herself from the child, cares for the baby -- clothing, bathing, and feeding her -- and makes her feel secure in the unfamiliar surroundings. Russell is overwhelmed and disoriented by the unfolding drama and all that she sees in China, and yet amid the emotional turmoil finds herself deeply bonding with the child. She begins to have dreams of an ancient past -- dreams of a young woman who is plucked from the countryside and chosen to be empress, and of the child who is ultimately taken from her. As it becomes clear that her friend -- whose indecisiveness about the adoption has become a torment -- won't be bringing the baby home, Russell is amazed to realize that she cannot leave the baby behind and that her dreams have been telling her something significant, giving her the courage to open her heart and bring the child home against all odds.

Steeped in Chinese culture, Forever Lily is an extraordinary account of a life-changing, wholly unexpected love.

My Thoughts

I received this book last night and read through it quite quickly. It is an easy and flowing read but I had difficulty with some parts of the book.

The dream sequences seemed out of place and certainly didn't add to the story as a memoir of adopting a child in China. If this had been a fictional tale the tie in to the reincarnation dreams might have added an intriguing layer but as part of a real life tale it just felt clumsy and as if the author was trying to add another element of interest to keep the reader's attention and to flesh out the story.

I was confused a bit about why her friend Alex was not only indecisive about wanting Lily after they arrived there but then seemed to enjoy the power struggle of denying the baby to Beth. I certainly hope that Beth didn't remain friends with her after this.

If Beth had written more about her struggles with feeling lost and empty before the process of adopting Lily...I might have felt more connected with her and more interested in her vivid dream recollections. I myself have incredible dreams and oftentimes would rather be dreaming than living my life now.

I did finish it though and maybe if there had been more editing done with the dream sequences...there wouldn't have been enough left of the book.

Because I finished it...I give it a 2 out of 5 stars.

Murals from Madeleine's Room...soon to be painted over.

Madeleine is soon going to be painting over the murals that I painted in her room 5 years ago.
I don't blame her for painting over them...they are too young for her now and she is looking to craft a much cooler image.
Feeling nostalgic here and just wanted to post them for posterity!
The dragon is the dresser that I painted for my son when he was a little boy.
It lies hidden in the closet.

Tamara

Nicholas Dana Baff -January 28th, 1991-October 30th, 2006

"Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved."
--Iris Murdoch

My Prayer

To my darling Nicky,
Words fail me on this 2nd anniversary of your death. I can't believe that 2 years have gone past...it feels like just blip in my life...a point at which all the joy has faded from my soul.
All that I felt good about as a grown woman was to be your and Madeleine's mother...everything else felt tainted...you two were the only purity. I must find a way to keep going and continue to feel good about being your mom even if you are not here for me to hold and hug and watch grow up.
I want to believe that we will be together again.

Reading Now: Reviews Coming

I feel like I have been missing in action lately as I haven't posted anything in well over a week but frankly...I have been sick.
Not the kind of sick where you are puking your guts up every half hour even though I was still making frequent calls to the B/R...hee hee....but the miserable, ache, dry cough, drippy nose, lose your voice, suffer in silence and still go to work...sick.
But I have been reading so there will be reviews to come.
The books....

The Might Queens of Freeville by
by Amy Dickinson
Life After Genius by M. Ann Jacoby
Through Black Spruce by Joseph Boyden

Made From the World Trade Center

I may not be American but the day when the world was transfixed by this awful terrorist attack and stopped us all feeling safe...is burned into my memories.
I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
It is only fitting that something useful and good should come from the remains of the buildings.






Here SHE is, the USS New York, made from the World Trade Center !

USS New York

It was built with 24 tons of scrap steel from the World Trade Center .

It is the fifth in a new class of warship - designed for missions that include special operations against terrorists. It will carry a crew of 360 sailors and 700 combat-ready Marines to be delivered ashore by helicopters and assault craft.

Steel from the World Trade Center was melted down in a foundry in Amite , LA to cast the ship's bow section. When it was poured into the molds on Sept 9, 2003, 'those big rough steelworkers treated it with total reverence,' recalled Navy Capt. Kevin Wensing, who was there. 'It was a spiritual moment for everybody there.'

Junior Chavers, foundry operations manager, said that when the trade center steel first arrived, he touched it with his hand and the 'hair on my neck stood up.' 'It had a big meaning to it for all of us,' he said. 'They knocked us down. They can't keep us down. We're going to be back.'

The ship's motto? 'Never Forget'

Please keep this going so everyone can see what we are made of in this country!

Countdown to The Anniversary of Nick's Death

September 25th, 2008. Only just over two months to go...then it will be 2 years since my Nicky died. Sometimes I still feel like I am walking through mud just to go where I am supposed to go...be who I am supposed to be...and paste a smile on my face because I am not supposed to still be showing my grief.
All the joints in my body are starting to ache again...everytime I move is an excuse for something in my body to protest. They (counsellors and other bereaved moms) told me that I would still feel this way but it is like a badge that I display for all to see the pain inside. It feels as if every moment of my day is filled with thoughts of him. They aren't bad thoughts although I know that the bad, sad, helpless feelings will sink in if I allow myself to trek down that road. I don't want to forget so I am waiting until I can think of all the beautiful things about him without wanting to scream and rail at the Fates for stealing him away from me.
He was my very first baby and when I held him after his birth I felt so complete. I felt that he was the reason that I was on this earth. How can I be on this earth when he is not?
All three of us are feeling unglued right now. We are just trying to make it through.
Writing things down in my blog is cathartic to me but I hope that I am not boring too many people. Please skip over and just read my book reviews.

my life...

As much as I want this blog to be about my books and reviews, I also want to reveal more of myself. This year will be the first year that I am only working half days at school. I feel like I am skipping school when I leave at lunchtime and frankly this is the easiest transition that I have ever made into back-to-school September. Considering all the medical stuff lately and my MRI coming up on Tuesday afternoon...it is a good thing that I am only at school halftime.
My daughter had a bad experience starting grade 9 last week. She ended up having the same grade 9 English teacher that Nick had. During attendance check...he asked her if she was Nick Baff's sister. When she nodded he then laughed and asked her to "go home and slap him for me!" She was stunned and all the kids looked at each other in shock.. Nobody said a word. If it wasn't so tragic it would be comical as it was such a bizarre experience for her. It was easy enough to sort out and the teacher was so upset too...BUT he had known that Nick had died. He just forgot.
"What an idiot," is the school social worker's professional opinion. LOL
I miss him so much this week. He really loved school and would have been in grade 12 this year.
Bring on more books!!!!!