September 25th, 2008. Only just over two months to go...then it will be 2 years since my Nicky died. Sometimes I still feel like I am walking through mud just to go where I am supposed to go...be who I am supposed to be...and paste a smile on my face because I am not supposed to still be showing my grief.
All the joints in my body are starting to ache again...everytime I move is an excuse for something in my body to protest. They (counsellors and other bereaved moms) told me that I would still feel this way but it is like a badge that I display for all to see the pain inside. It feels as if every moment of my day is filled with thoughts of him. They aren't bad thoughts although I know that the bad, sad, helpless feelings will sink in if I allow myself to trek down that road. I don't want to forget so I am waiting until I can think of all the beautiful things about him without wanting to scream and rail at the Fates for stealing him away from me.
He was my very first baby and when I held him after his birth I felt so complete. I felt that he was the reason that I was on this earth. How can I be on this earth when he is not?
All three of us are feeling unglued right now. We are just trying to make it through.
Writing things down in my blog is cathartic to me but I hope that I am not boring too many people. Please skip over and just read my book reviews.
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4 comments:
I just came across your blog while surfing on librarything.com and I just want to give you a virtual hug. I am so sorry to hear about your son Nick and though I have no children, I can only imagine the pain. But please live in the knowledge that you gave your son the best life that you could and I am sure he knew that. Stay strong and know that many people are pulling for you and your family, even strangers.
By the way my name is Patricia and I am on librarything.com under the name TrishNYC.
You're not boring anyone. Get it out.
I'm sorry for your terrible loss. I am enjoying your reviews and will visit again.
By all means, use your blog as a resource. It's easy to tell the love you had for you son and the pain you're in through your writing. I will keep your family in my prayers.
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