I'm Back

Friends and Visitors,
Welcome.
I just wanted to pop in and leave a note for all. I am currently off work due to the implantation of an ICD. (Implantable Cardioverter-Defibrillator) I am recuperating at home as I am not allowed to lift or move my left arm strenuously and my current posting for work has me lifting,changing and almost rolling around on the floor with the kids in the class. I love it.
I am still always reading but I am also pretty involved in my jewelry design and am enjoying my anvil at home.
We are about 4 days away from the anniversary of my son Nick's death. Although we feel that we will never recover from this...we are feeling peaceful right now and for me...the feeling of dread is remarkably absent this year. So far.
Please whisper a little prayer on October 30th for us to get through that day successfully.
Cheers,
Tamara

Nick's 18th Birthday

My baby was born at 01:36 am January 28th, 1991.

The happiest day of my life and I fell in love immediately, completely forever.

Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy

Ok....I realise that I am going to unload again so folks ....prepare.
Tomorrow I get the fun job of heading 2 hours away into Toronto (rush hour) for an 8:45am appointment at the Peter Munk Cardiac Centre at Toronto General Hospital. I am scheduled for my semi annual cardio tests and consultation.
I guess that I never explained before...my baby Nick didn't just look like me...he inherited a lot of my genetic makeup which includes a genetic heart defect called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. HCM in other words. This is what killed him and I gave it to him.
Apparently we got it from my mom and she gave it to my brother and his son as well.
Nick is the only one in our family to die from it. We had no idea about this ticking time bomb until his first symptom...his sudden death.
My son Nick was climbing the stairs from his first period class in the basement to the third floor for his grade 10 English class. He walked into the room said hello to a bunch of friends and fell over unconscious. He quickly stopped breathing and although they immediately initiated CPR and this continued through the arrival of paramedics and the transport to the hospital...he never regained consciousness and was pronounced dead at the hospital.
The worst day of my life...and I gave it to him.

Now....I know that it wasn't my fault as in blame but the inner part of me does feel at fault and having to go and get my heart checked again (to see if the hypertrophy has increased) just brings it all to the forefront of my mind. (as if it ever leaves.)

I get to have an echo cardiogram. an ECG and the results from that delightful MRI.
Oh and guess what....I also get told to lose weight! Hold me back...I just can't wait!!!

Funnily enough...whining about it today has made me feel better.

What kind of fun things are in your future????

Writer's Block

Ok....I am stuck here. I have lost my writing voice. I deliberately gave myself some healing and grieving time over the holidays and read my little head off. I currently owe myself reviews on at least 10 books but for some reason...I can't think what to say.
That is very unlike me! LOL
If anyone has any ideas about how to break this deadlock then PLEASE send them my way!!
Kiss Kiss Hug Hug
I decided tonight that I won't feel guilty about this but I will try and take each book and just start writing. When I come up with something worthy of an audience then I will post.
Thank you for all the lovely comments on my new pic.
Here is the companion to it.

Made Up pattern for Hat

Keeping my hands busy by knitting a hat that I made up the pattern for. Kind of cute I think but I love the flower!

Merry Christmas to all!!!

Picture of happier times....1994
A lovely memory!

Wishing you all a loving and wonderful holiday!

Tam

Found: 1 Video of My Son's Grade 9 English Project

My Son Nick Baff

Video displayed in the Sidebar------------------------->

Nicholas Dana Baff -January 28th, 1991-October 30th, 2006

"Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved."
--Iris Murdoch

My Prayer

To my darling Nicky,
Words fail me on this 2nd anniversary of your death. I can't believe that 2 years have gone past...it feels like just blip in my life...a point at which all the joy has faded from my soul.
All that I felt good about as a grown woman was to be your and Madeleine's mother...everything else felt tainted...you two were the only purity. I must find a way to keep going and continue to feel good about being your mom even if you are not here for me to hold and hug and watch grow up.
I want to believe that we will be together again.

Countdown to The Anniversary of Nick's Death

September 25th, 2008. Only just over two months to go...then it will be 2 years since my Nicky died. Sometimes I still feel like I am walking through mud just to go where I am supposed to go...be who I am supposed to be...and paste a smile on my face because I am not supposed to still be showing my grief.
All the joints in my body are starting to ache again...everytime I move is an excuse for something in my body to protest. They (counsellors and other bereaved moms) told me that I would still feel this way but it is like a badge that I display for all to see the pain inside. It feels as if every moment of my day is filled with thoughts of him. They aren't bad thoughts although I know that the bad, sad, helpless feelings will sink in if I allow myself to trek down that road. I don't want to forget so I am waiting until I can think of all the beautiful things about him without wanting to scream and rail at the Fates for stealing him away from me.
He was my very first baby and when I held him after his birth I felt so complete. I felt that he was the reason that I was on this earth. How can I be on this earth when he is not?
All three of us are feeling unglued right now. We are just trying to make it through.
Writing things down in my blog is cathartic to me but I hope that I am not boring too many people. Please skip over and just read my book reviews.